Diary of a Deployment: 9 months without my brother...

So I kept a journal on my computer while my brother was deployed.  It was specifically for me to write in when I couldn't take it anymore.  I am posting an entry day by day on my myspace account, but decided to post the whole thing on here for anyone to read if they'd like.  Some parts are edited (addresses, etc) but nothing is edited that takes away from the meaning of the blog.  Feel free to read.

[For those of you who don't know me personally:  Marc is my brother, Amanda and Nicole are our sisters, Amber is his daughter's mom, Sonya is his daughter, John is my fiance]

March 30, 2007

 
I know some people think its cliche to be scared that someone you love will die when they go to war.  My little brother will be going to Afghanistan and as much of a shithead he can be sometimes it scares me to death.  The closer his deployment gets the more frequent the dreams get.  None of the dreams involves him dying in action, but most of them just start out with the fact that he is dead.  That he has been dead and everyone forgot, but me.  Its hard when its your brother.  Wife, mother, father of a soldier gets more noteriety and I can understand why.  But it is still hard.  I keep thinking back to all the mean things I did to him when we were kids.  I wonder if I'll regret them forever if he should die.  I also think about all the things we have been through growing up.  I remember when he was born.  I remember his first steps, first words.  I remember his first day of school and so many other firsts.  Now I sit and think about everything recent and hold on to all those memories worrying that I may need to remember them as his lasts.  We don't know, as of right now, if he will be coming home from Germany for his leave and it is tearing me up.  See, this is why.  The last time I saw him (when he was home for his last leave, before he left for Germany) I had the stomach flu when he said goodbye.  I couldn't even get up to hug him or anything.  I just told him I loved him from my sickbed and told him goodbye and thats not how I want to say goodbye before my brother goes off to war.  I want to make it good, so that he really knows how much I love him and care about him.  I want to sit and talk about old times.  I want it to be something good, something to remember, in case its a "last".  I can't remember what he was wearing the last time I saw him and I don't want that as a last memory.  It may sound kind of morbid, but I believe to deny myself the reality that he MIGHT not come back will make it worse should it happen.  Its not like I'm EXPECTING him not to come back, just preparing myself if he doesn't.  I still look at him like a child most of the time and its at those times that I want to go back in time, when horrible things happened to us, and take him and hold him and tell him its okay.  Or maybe its that I want to take him now and hold him in my arms and tell him its okay.  But he's a man now, and men don't admit to needing these types of things.  And it bothers me even more to think that maybe he doesn't need that, maybe its just me that needs it.  I wonder sometimes if he really even cares about us.  Me, Nicole, Amanda, Mom.  If maybe when he was here with us, at home, we took it for granted and that makes it easy for him to pull away.  He never calls, writes, answers the phone.  But, on the other hand, he's a lot like me, and if I were in his situation, I would probably do the same.  It makes it easier to say goodbye, if there isn't anyone to say goodbye to.  And once you go so long without talking to someone, it makes you sick to your stomach to think about calling them and explaining yourself.  Who knows.  All I know, really, is that if something does happen to him, for any of my family members for that matter, but we're on the subject of my brother going to war right now, its going to be bad for me.  Is that selfish?  To not want him to die for fear of what it will do to me?   I already have problems with anxiety and depression, I can only imagine.  I would probably end up in the hospital doped up on valium to not have to face the reality of what is happening.  Marc has too much life ahead of him to lose it now.  He has no idea what wonderful things are in store for him.  I wonder if he knows that.  I also know that if he dies in this war it will be for a reason and nothing makes me prouder.  Dear God, please keep my brother safe.  Please be by his side, even if he doesn't know it.  Please let him feel the safety of your embrace, the power of your love.  Please watch over him, God.  Keep him under your wing.  Guide his judgement.  And if it is your will, and you should have to take him home, please let him know the way.  I love you, Marc.  Please come home safe.

March 31, 2007

About an hour after writing this my brother called me...go figure!  Told you we think alike.  It made me feel so much better to talk to him even though its still up in the air whether or not he's coming home for leave.  He said if he does get to come home at the most it will be for 10 days.  I think it has something to do with the heart problems he's having and his doctors appointments.  I THINK.  Not sure.  I told him that I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty and he can do whatever he wanted to do but we would love to have him come home even if it was for ONE day.  And that Sonya really wanted to see him.  He asked if I would be able to come to Germany and bring Sonya if he couldn't come home and I felt so bad telling him that I couldn't because of the kids and John working and Maddy's school, etc.  It wasn't about money because he offered to pay for the tickets and everything.  I felt so bad.  I know he wants to see her so bad.  I didn't tell him that Amber wasn't really comfortable with sending Sonya to a foreign country with anyone but her, but I can totally understand that.  I don't think I'd be able to ship Maddy or Autumn off to Germany with John's Mom or one of his brothers.  Too many things can happen.  Its a long flight and they are in a foreign country without their Mom.  What if they get sick over there or in a car accident or something.  Its half a world away.  Either way, I hope he comes home!!  To hear his voice seemed like he wasn't so far away.  Its weird.  Well, I just wanted to add an update to the last thing that I wrote.  Maybe I'll keep this as my diary of a brother's deployment.  Who knows, I'm sure I'll need to write about him once in awhile.  Especially after he leaves. 

April 1, 2007

I watched the movie "We Were Soldiers" a little bit ago.  Even though where Marc will be is nothing like Vietnam I'm still scared and all I kept thinking is these are some of the things he might face.  I am scared that I'm going to have dreams tonight.  Thats all.

April 20, 2007

A few hours ago we said goodbye to Marc at the airport.  It was very hard.  His leave was short (one week) but I'm so glad he was able to come.  He surprised us by arriving last Friday evening.  It was great.  The boys were here for two more days so they got a chance to see and say goodbye to "Uncle Marc".  The hard part about saying goodbye is you don't know if its the final goodbye.  Marc will be in Afghanistan within the next 3 weeks sometime.  When it was time for him to check in (we weren't allowed past the check in point) we all gave hugs and said our last goodbyes until next time.  I couldn't help but cry and neither could my mom or sisters.  I hugged him and he squeezed really hard and tried to console ME!  I felt so bad because I should be the one consoling him.  He said "It's okay, Jenn" over and over and "I'll be back.  I'll come back."  Which only made it harder.  Here we all are sobbing like maniacs and he's probably thinking "They all think I'm going to die over there.  They're all saying their final goodbyes."  Which we were...just in case.  Like I said, it was hard.  I sent him with a letter I wrote last night telling him how much I love him and how proud I am of him.  I ended it with "If you happen to be the one who finds Osama Bin Laden, kick him in the nuts for me."  And I know he would, too.  Now all we can do is wait for word from Marc.  I hope it comes soon because everything I see on the news after these next 3 weeks will make me worry and wonder.  Love you, Marc.

April 21, 2007

I think panic is the word I want to write about right now.  I keep panicking.  What if I didn't tell him this.  What if I should have done that.  Why didn't I take one more picture.  Irrational panic.  I need to get it under control.  I think I'm going to pray my butt off. 

April 25, 2007

Yesterday all day on the news we got to hear about the 9 US soldiers who were killed in Baghdad.  I guess it was the most killed at one time in over a year.  They were all 82nd airborne paratroopers.  That was supposed to be my brothers unit, but he got sent to 173rd instead.  Nicole called me and was upset.  He hasn't even deployed yet.  Soon, but not yet.  I have a feeling this will be a very hard time in our lives.  It will always be in the back of my head.  But its not something you really want to talk about.  I accidentally erased the video footage I took the day we said goodbye at the airport.  I was trying to just deleted the pictures I uploaded.  The whole time I was deleting pictures I kept reminding myself not to delete the video.  And I did.  I immediately started to cry.  I kept thinking...what if this is the last video we have of Marc because he doesn't come home alive?  I just erased it.  My body got hot immediately and a wave of adrenaline/fight or flight swept through me.  I couldn't believe what I had just done.  In a way it felt like I had killed part of my brother.  Very irrational, I know.  How could I erase the video of him waving goodbye.  Our last moments together before he went to war?  I'm still pretty upset about it.  Maybe there's a way to get it back.  Probably not.  Maybe I'm just grasping.  I won't feel good about erasing that until he comes home safe. 

May 6, 2007

Nicole heard from Marc over a week ago.  He told her he was definitely deploying sometime this week.  Its Sunday and still no word.  I hope he didn't deploy without letting someone know.  I am going to check his myspace page to see if he's logged in recently and then at least I'll know he's still in Germany.

May 16, 2007

Marc deployed to Afghanistan early in the morning of May 11, 2007 (Germany time), late at night US time of May 10.  We didn't get a phone call right before he deployed, but one the day before saying when he was going and that he would call.  He wrote an email a few days after deployment to let everyone know that yes, he did deploy, and he made it okay.  He wrote again 2 days ago at a little more length:

Hey nicole it's marc, well obviously...lol. I just wanted you to tell everyone that i'm sorry i don't write them but i only have enough time to write one person at a time, and you happen to be the one that checks your messages more than the rest of the family so I know you can pass along any mesages that I have with greater ease. I love you all and here is my address in afghanistan.....

(edited)

It should take about two to 4 weeks for me to recieve things from everyone. If you get this within the next few hours I will try to get back on and check my mail again....I love you all so much, tell everyone that I said that...and you all make sure you keep your heads up....I know i'm keeping mine up...so the best thing you can do is the same...... Mentality is the catalyst for any achievement.
I know for a fact that I willl be coming home...I just have that feeling...I know I will see sonya again....and all of you....I have no doubt in my mind about that.....come on...it's me....I always manage to come out allright, despite the odds. We'll have drinks together again.....we'll have laughs and good times as well as bad times. Much more happiness and pain is meant to be suffered together and that is the beautiful thing about life. Without the ugly tings in life there would be no beautiful things.....I wish you all the best and make sure you keep your heads up.....LOVE YOU!!! take care of sonya while i'm gone guys.....see ya soon

I don't think it really hit me right away once I knew he was gone.  It took a few days and was the day before the email above.  I just started crying.  I can't really explain it.  I find myself trying to find out as much up to date information about what is going on in Afghanistan as I can.  Anything will do.  Even an article about the kind of barracks he MIGHT be staying in.  Anything to give you a better glimpse into what his life must be like now.  I spend hours online searching and searching and rarely do I find it satisfies that missing piece.  I think that's because he is the missing piece.  How can you ever be OK with someone you love in a war?  I'm not okay with it.  But let me clarify, I support it and I support him.  I also find myself visiting his battalions webpage over and over looking at every picture of all the troops knowing he is somewhere in that group of soldiers, but they look so small and are all dressed the same so I don't know which one.  The deployment has just started and I know I'll need to write here a lot.  I'm so thankful for his email.  I hope more come soon.

May 24, 2007

Haven't heard anymore word from Marc since my last entry.  I realize it must be difficult for him to keep in touch.  He doesn't have a calling card yet to call home because the care package has not yet gotten to him and the military has blocked accesss to myspace now so he can't use that to write to us.  I know he gets a military email address but I don't think he has anyone's email address memorized.  I'm going to have to remember to write those down in my next letter to him.  Things are getting a little easier.  I found out he is at Camp Blessing in Naray, Afghanistan which is in the province of Kunar.  It is along the northern border (almost) of Pakistan.  The only thing that scares me is past articles I have read about where he is.  It is the most dangerous place to be stationed in Afghanistan.  Last year the 10th Mountain Division was there and their mission was to find Osama Bin Laden.  Spring time is usually when things start to heat up.  This is the only thing that worries me.  I have to believe in my heart of hearts that he will be just fine, though.  Or I'm going to go crazy.  Like I said, its getting better.  I feel guilty that I am sitting over here and he is over there.  All for freedom.  And it makes me so mad when I hear people like Rosie O'donnell calling our soldiers terrorists.  They are sacraficing, WE (the family of the soldiers) are sacraficing so she can sit on her high horse and call our troops terrorists, when they are sacraficing their comfort, sanity, physicall well being and sometimes their LIVES to give her the right to call them TERRORISTS.  It shocks and amazes me how quickly people forget what happened on 9/11.  They don't even care anymore.  No one is even mad about it anymore.  No one wants justice.  By no one I mean majority.  What is the country coming to?  It scares me to think about it.  It makes me even prouder of my little brother that he would stand up and fight for it, especially with what its come to. 

May 29, 2007

Today is Marc's birthday.  I feel guilty that he is spending it in Afghanistan surrounded by everything gray.  If we would have thought about it more we would have realized that in order for him to have some kind of birthday celebration we would need to send stuff a month in advance.  But we didn't.  Mom did get quite the package sent out to him this weekend, though.  It included a photo slideshow of all of us, video footage of Sonya from Amber's camera (in the slideshow) with music in the background, a CD walkman from John and me, some burnt CD's of music on my computer that I brought to Mom's for him, pictures of Sonya from 2 years ago along with a father's day card and letter from Amber with a picture of Sonya in a frame she made all from 2 years ago.  It was sent to my house in Manteno after Marc had already left and when we moved it was packed up and I found it in a box of our stuff.  It couldn't have come at a more perfect time.  I really hope he likes everything.  We also videotaped with Nicole and George's camcorder some footage of us all celebrating my birthday (and his) since our birthdays are only 3 days apart.  We all took shots for him on it and then we recorded a lot of Sonya when she came to Mom's on Sunday.  Just Sonya sitting at the kitchen table talking to her Daddy through the camcorder and Sonya playing in the backyard with her cousins, Sonya in the office with Mamaw while she made the slideshow for Marc and at the end of the video is Sonya doing her "Peanut Butter Jelly" dance.  So cute!  We have to edit it and burn it for him but I think he'll be really happy with it even if we can't send it out until next weekend.  Marc called Amanda today and told her to get everyone online 20 minutes from the time he called.  I wasn't home all day so I wasn't able to, but Nicole and Amanda both went on.  I'm not going to get into details but his base was attacked and a mortar landed 50 meters (roughly 160 feet) from him.  It shook him up pretty bad.  He said that he heard it coming and every emotion you can feel he felt all at one time.  He said that after it landed it took him a little while to know if he was okay.  Physically he was okay, but Amanda said emotionally he sounded very depressed.  It involved 2 little girls who were brought to the base with head injuries, one of them already dead, the other died shortly after and a terrorist claiming they were his injured daughters who quickly disappeared promising to come back.  Instead, 30 min. later they were attacked.  Its so scary.  160 feet was between Marc and his life and I am so thankful to God that he was watching over him.  I'm not sure if anyone in the base died.  All Marc said was that they suffered losses.  I don't know what losses means.  It could mean equipment, afghan workers, afghan civilians, US soldiers, or foreign coaltion soldiers.  I know he couldn't specify and I'm hoping to hear more on the news about it.  He's been there for 3 weeks and he's already almost lost his life.  He is supposed to be there for up to 15 months!  I'm so scared.  I don't want to lose my brother and I don't want Sonya to lose her Daddy.  How would we explain that to her?  I'm just going to keep praying.  Dear God, Thank you so much for watching over my little brother when their base was attacked.  I know that it was your will to keep him protected.  Please help him to deal with what he saw that day and please let him know you are with him, that he can turn to you for anything, that he isn't alone, you are always with him, right next to him, going through whatever he is going through.  Please let him know that his family is with him in their hearts and minds.  Please continue to keep him from bodily harm if it is your will.  Let him be the best at what he does to get the job done.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

June 13, 2007

As of today 2 soldiers in 173rd airborne for this deployment have died.  Its really sad and I can't help but wonder how the family of these soldiers are feeling right now because I know it makes me feel like I'm in danger of losing my brother at any moment.  I started working at Walmart and they were telling us about some of the benefits.  One of them is bereavement pay.  Is it morbid that I was actually asking questions about how it worked just in case I needed to use it for Marc?  I hope nobody was thinking I was crazy.  I am so proud of him, though.  I hope he is proud of himself, but I know he's probably scared to death.  I still have not had any communication with him personally, through the phone or through the internet.  Nicole, Amanda, and Mom have.  They say that he sounds depressed.  That makes me sad.  I was so happy when he joined the army because I knew it would be such a good change in his life.  I just hope that it doesn't make him worse.  But I have to remember that he's a strong person and he'll get through this okay emotionally.  Today I have to help Sonya with a father's day project for Marc in school.  She needs to write a story about a memory of her and Marc.  Amber asked me to help.  I'm sort of excited to do it.  Well, until next time.....

June 21, 2007

Today I'm really tired, a little bit sick and overall just not happy with life.  Its making me more sensitive to things that I usually deal with well.  More emotional.  I'm really missing my brother today and have been since about 6 am this morning when a soldier wandered into Walmart (where I work) and for a SPLIT second my heart skipped a beat thinking that it was Marc, even though I know better.  It was almost instinct.  Lately I've been wondering if him being deployed is making me miss him more since I have gone months without seeing him and not missed him so much but then I realized that it has been over a year, really, since he's been gone.  Whether it be Oklahoma, Germany or Afghanistan I have really only seen my brother on 3 occasions in more than a year and I have never gone THAT long without seeing him.  At the most a few months and then he was back for good.  So, I have come to the conclusion that it ISN'T just the deployment that is making me miss him more.  It is so much more than that.  It is a loss of his innocence and a loss of a time when he was always there no matter what.  Just up the street or just a phone call away.  This isn't true anymore.  And I doubt it will ever be like that again and it makes me sad.  I feel as if I have taken for granted all the time I did have with him not knowing what was to come.  It sounds selfish because I know he did what he had to do, but sometimes I just want my kid brother back.  All day long, since seeing that soldier in his ACU's and black beret, desert combat boots, I have had Marc on my mind.  When I write him letters I feel guilty complaining that it is too hot outside, that my hours at work are atrocious (I have to get up at 4 am) or that I hate my job (stocking produce) because I know that whatever complaints I have, Marc can surpass them in the blink of an eye with how he is living right now.  But, still, I write to him about life back home, complaints and all because I don't want him to feel like we are tip toeing around the fact that where he's at is no piece of cake.  I want it to stay real.  I need to clarify: I don't just write complaints, I write about happy stuff too.  But then, I feel guilty writing about happy stuff like I'm rubbing it in his face what he's missing out on.  There is no happy medium, unless my letters want to reiterate the weather the previous week or how the stock market is doing and I have a feeling that isn't what he wants to hear.  That he WANTS to hear the complaints, good things, happy times, and funny stuff.  So I push the guilt aside and write.  Pushing it aside in my everyday life is also something I have to deal with.  When I don't feel like going to work in the morning I use my brother as inspiration.  I remember that he has no choice in going to work in the morning (he lives there) and remember that if he can do it, I certainly must be able to and should if not for any reason but FOR him, to show that I can suffer along with him and expecting anything less of myself would be a disgrace to his honor and what he is doing in Afghanistan.  I still feel guilty that I get to leave at 2pm and go sit in my apartment or go to the park or fishing and look at the beautiful grass and the beautiful lake while he looks at what must resemble hell.  When the kids get on my nerves or the dishes are piled up and I start feeling self pity, I think about what it must be like to sleep with one eye open and have someone shooting at you all the time and literally trying to kill you.  Then the kids and the dishes start to look like a pretty damn good deal bought on the blood, sweat, tears, and lives of other brave men and women.  I think what I'm trying to say is that when you have someone you are so closely connected to fighting in a war the things that used to seem like such a big deal in your life suddenly seem insignificant.  All the aches, pains, chores, and ickiness of life starts resembling something you really don't mind at all.  All the good things, joy, love, happiness, a good laugh start resembling something like winning the lottery.  You realize that these things that everyday, every month, every year, continuously, that you have not really noticed are something to be held sacred to you.  The bad and the good.  Because it could be so much worse and everything else starts looking so much better.  My brother shits in a hole.  That's all I really need to say for you to understand.  And he signed up for it and does it proudly and with honor.  And I'm complaining because my work enviroment sometimes smells like rotten tomatoes.  When you compare the two, well, there's really no comparison.  It speaks for itself.  I really miss you today, Marc.  I keep thinking about when we lived across the street from each other.  It was only two years ago but it seems like a lifetime ago.  Maybe when I get some sleep I'll feel better.   Right now I just want to cry.

June 26, 2007

It may be just me, but it seems there has recently been an uprising in troop support and American pride.  Or maybe I'm just finding it more when I share that my brother is in Afghanistan, but I don't think thats the case.  Either way, its good to say and makes me proud to be an American and happy to see that patriotism still lives.

July 10, 2007

I'm a little late getting to the Independence Day entry for this journal.....of course I would make it a point to make an Independence Day entry.  The fourth was nice.  I was privileged to spend it with Sonya.  It was nice to see all the patriotism on that day.  Me and Amber spent most of our time during the fireworks behind the camera trying to get good photos of the fireworks for Marc.  She plans on making a collage for him of them.  The day was also a bit depressing.  Every firework that went off, accompanied by the booming sound, made me think of how Marc hears this day in and day out and it isn't a celebration.  It made me appreciate what the day was about even more.  How honored we are to have people willing to die for this great country.  Missing him more and more everyday.

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Mom just called.  She talked to Marc yesterday.  He was supposed to call her again today, but he hasn't yet and it's quarter to 6pm.  His base was attacked.  He was in the latrine when it happened.  He had no body armor on, no gun to defend himself.  He ran out of the bathroom to find a little boy seriously injured and an E-6 nurse in utter panic asking Marc if he knew first aid.  I guess somehow she was trying to give him a shot of something and Marc was screaming at her that he was bleeding out and it was only going to make it worse.  She did it anyway.  My mom said the connection was bad, but what she could gather was that the little boy (an Afghan civilian) died in Marc's arms or close to it.  He then proceeded to help his injured band of brothers and was late to formation of accountability.  He was scolded for this and told them to "Suck My Dick" and said that if it came down to helping save his fellow soldiers lives or showing up on time to formation they could put him in shackles and suck his dick because he was going to do what was right.  I understand why they would be upset that he wasn't there, but I know in my heart Marc did the right thing.  Now my heart and stomach aches for all that he has to be witness to.  I couldn't fathom watching a child die, especially such a violent death.  I guess 30 US soldiers were injured and 1 Afghan man, in addition to the little boy, died.  He also says they have Intel that says the Taliban is planning on taking over their FOB and there isn't a damn thing they can do about it.  Even though they know who it is.  Rules of engagement in this new army say they aren't allowed to attack until attacked upon first.  Too many politics involved in war.  Soldiers are dying so politicians can worry about the treatment of the enemy.  Marc says a lot of men are going to die when they try to take over the base.  This is becoming too much to bear.  Marc hasn't called my mom today as promised, and while that's common, it usually means something happened and lines of communication were shut down.  Dear God please let him be okay.  Will this war ever be over?  I believe in it and I know what we are doing is what is right, but when it is done I will be oh so happy.  It seems like a dream that I will put my arms around my baby brother again and hug him.  I know that day will be here soon, 4 months to be exact, and I can't wait.  But he will have to go back again and saying goodbye this time will be even harder.  I just pray that he comes home to us safe and sound.  Not just physically.  Mentally, emotionally and that everyone is patient with him.

October 18, 2007

Due to circumstances beyond my control I haven't been able to access my computer for awhile and therefore haven't been able to record any more entries until now...

Marc will be coming home for R&R leave at the end of November and we are all SO excited.  It was originally set for the beginning of November but got pushed up.  My mom was upset about this until she heard that some of the guys don't get their leave until April or May (almost a year after deployment).  A few more weeks doesn't seem so bad compared to that.  What makes it extra great is that we just moved down the street from my mom in Manawa so I won't have to take a WHOLE bunch of time off work to see my brother here.  Awesome!!  Even though I know its a little over a month before he comes home it kind of makes me worry more.  The violence in Afghanistan right now is at record highs and you always hear about soldiers who were days away from coming home when they are killed.  I keep praying and have faith.  I'm a little scared of how he'll be when he comes home.  You don't go to war and come back the same person.  He's seen stuff that in my worse nightmares I wouldn't want to see and I want to know so much about how his life over there has been, but I don't know how to talk about it, IF he wants to talk about it, or if he doesn't at all.  I'm sure I'm worrying for no reason and Marc will open up to all of us in his own way.  I am so excited for him to come home but its going to make it that much harder to send him back to Afghanistan.  We'll all be so happy when this deployment is over.  Don't get me wrong, we are SOOOO proud of him and what he's doing, but not having to worry will be such a relief.  I know that Marc is happy with whats he's doing and wants to be there.  He's expressed that to everyone numerous times.  That also makes it easier for us to know that he believes in what he's doing.  I've managed to keep up on my letter writing to him and even was able to send one little care package.  I wish I could send him one everyday.  Even though he can't write back, it makes me feel closer to him to be able to write to him all the time.  He calls home at least 3 times a week to let us know how he's doing and I think all in all we've all become a little more comfortable (finally) with his deployment.  Just when we're starting to get used to it, he's going to come home and leave again and we'll probably all have to adjust again....but its so worth it.  Especially when you think about how HE'S going to have to adjust to it.  I guess all I'm really saying is I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY LITTLE BROTHER!!!!!!  I really do miss him.  A lot.  Little shit that he is...ha ha ha.  Well, I think that pretty much

summarizes things. 

October 27, 2007

Yesterday I was having pretty bad panic attacks all day... it's been a real long time since I've had that.  Kind of took me by surprise.  And then my little mind started running amuck...wondering if I was sensing that something bad had happened to Marc.  Then the rational part of my mind would pipe in and tell me that has nothing to do with what's going on with Marc...then, Mrs. Irrational would pipe in and remind me of all the weird coincidences of mothers knowing something bad happened to their children even though they were nowhere near them....it was a battle between the two which probably only heightened the extent of my anxiety and panic attacks yesterday.  It was somewhat tortoreous, though, because I had to work like that, worry about Marc, fight the battle of good and evil in my head, and try to act normal....I'm assuming that the rational part of my brain was right, though.  No news on Marc and no news is good news, right?  Please no more panic attacks today.

October 30, 2007

Tomorrow is Halloween....last Halloween Marc went trick or treating with all of us.  I keep thinking about that.  It will feel like something is missing this year...  He's coming home, its so close, yet so far away.  I've noticed that my obsessive behavior with tracking the news and looking things up on the internet has gradually died down.  Its too emotionally consuming to do that and I found it doesn't really make you feel better, more secure or comfort you.  It only makes things worse.  At this point I think the worry about Marc's emotional health has won out over his physical health.  Having a child die in his arms is just the icing on the cake.  I can't possibly imagine.  He shouldn't have to see that, go through that.  No one should.  I want to take it away, wipe it from his memory.  Of course, I can't.  Is it wrong to be mad that his innocence, all of it, is definitely gone.  I'm furious.  Why do people have to hate?  Why can't we all just agree to disagree?  Why is it necessary for us to be there because some people find the latter IMPOSSIBLE?  I think I'm going to call Mom now....I haven't heard anything from Marc in awhile.

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Just talked to Mom...

She had just talked to Marc (cool) and said he will be in Kuwait in 2 1/2 weeks to process out for his leave (it takes awhile to do that) and he's very happy about that.  He's really tired and can't wait for the break.  He just told (again) about how the violence has REALLY escalated over there.  Good time to take a break and clear your head, huh?  So, 2 1/2 weeks and he's out of Afghanistan and just a few more weeks and he's home with us....awesome.

NOTE: * At the end of May, Marc was able to escort none other than Toby Keith into his base for a live performance.  Totally awesome.  Wasn't able to write about it when we found out.  Here is an excerpt from what was printed in the news. *

NOTES FROM TOBY KEITH'S FIFTH USO TOUR
May 23rd, 2007
On his fifth USO Tour, superstar Toby Keith travels to visit US troops in Iraq, Afghanistan and Germany. The tour started off with a performance at a remote Forward Operating Base on the Pakistani border in Afghanistan. Two separate mortar attacks served as a sendoff from the region to Baghdad, where he arrived with a big welcome as nearly 200 soldiers, airmen and marines greeted him at the airport.

November 4, 2007

Today John found out one of his childhood friends committed suicide.  As I write this he is talking on the phone with his older brother.  Apparently he served in Afghanistan and it was more than he could take....so worried now....will this happen to Marc?  Can he still be a casualty of war years after coming home?  I think this deployment may never end.

January 9, 2008

Marc is home.  His flight came in on January 5th, 2008 at 11:15 pm.  We gathered at the airport armed with our shirts and flags and welcomed our hero home.  It was all a little overwhelming for him, understandably.  He's already said that he is going to need some help dealing with things.  He has post traumatic stress disorder.  He is also home for good.  He was discharged.  General discharge under honorable conditions.  I hope that one day he can be himself again, but I think the possiblility of that happening after serving in a war are slim to none.  As for now, I'm really worried about him.  I love him and I hope he gets the help he needs....it is nice to have him home, but we still are worrying.  Marc is home.  Marc is home.  Marc is home.  As I read back on this journal, I feel the need to write that over and over again...home.  With us.  We'll deal with whatever comes later.  That's all for now.  More later.

February 6, 2008

It is a day after the one month anniversary of Marc coming home, but in all reality since his plane came in at almost midnight, its been a month.  Things have almost gone back to normal.  Marc is doing better as the days go on.  Adjusting pretty well.  At least that is how I am perceiving things.  He doesn't talk a lot anymore of the things he was witness to over there.  I am hoping that is because the nightmares are getting better....should I be so presumptuous??  Still the daily battle with the VA for healthcare.  He has a shoulder injury that occured in Afghanistan and went to the doctor yesterday (paid out of his pocket) and they told him he has a torn rotator cuff.  The Army had also seen him for this and wouldn't do anything about it or diagnose it while he was in.  What shitheads.  Now he has to get put on a waiting list a mile and a half long for health care.  He needs surgery and until that happens he can't work because he would PERMANENTLY injure himself.  What is wrong with the politicians in this country?  We can't take care of the men and women who have INJURED THEMSELVES, sometimes permanently, fighting for this country like we asked them to do??  What?  Are they useless to you now....did you FORGET?!!  Do you hear me?  They just want normal lives!!!  They want to go to work, to not have nightmares, to not feel "crazy"!!!  Enough for now, I'm getting worked up.  I am thinking that this will probably be my second to last entry.  That is of course unless something else happens.  I'll write more in another month and see where we stand.